jesus christ

The Malingerer - A group of lepers sued Jesus Christ today, claiming they suffered greatly after he healed their leprosy. The lawsuit seeks class-action status and damages in the millions. An attorney for the lepers claims that the King of Kings acted recklessly and with complete disregard for standard medical procedure when he healed the lepers.

"He didn't do anything right," plaintiff's attorney Michael Holloway alleges. "No pre-healing psych evaluation, no disclosure of risks, no follow up. Look in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John - show me where Jesus or any of his disciples obtained informed consent. I'll save you the time - it's not in there."

One of the lepers who is a part of the lawsuit agreed to talk to us on the condition of anonymity. His healing was documented in Mark 1:40-42, and while he acknowledges that his active leprosy was cured, he says that he was left with disfiguring scars and suffered mental anguish after suddenly being accepted into a society that had scorned and rejected him for years. "After I was healed, my anxiety was through the roof. I went from being spit on and pummeled with rocks to random people approaching me and breaking down in tears when they saw that I was healed - it was too much." The leper says he approached Jesus about his anxiety but was disappointed in his response. "He started saying all this stuff about birds and lilies. None of it made any sense. It was completely useless."

We reached out to the Prince of Peace but were informed by the Apostle Paul that he doesn't comment on pending litigation.